The menu is not the meal

I made a drawing that was so self-centered that it embarrassed even me. it somehow got word-sketched, penciled, inked and colored before I realised this. So I went back into it and tried to make its insensitivity to that insight into an insight into my lack of insensitivity. Hence the text, The menu is not the meal, nor is the diary the life. Absurd enough for ya?

Now hopefully that re-drawn drawing explains that after all these years of thinking myself an egoist-not-an-egotist, i’ve discovered that I’ve been an egotist all along. Yes it’s all about me, and that’s embarrassing.

Even as mere egoist I know that you all don’t care abut me. Everything you do, every willful act, is a choice among  several options and you’ll always choose the one that suits you best, regardless of its outcome for me. Lucky that we all have similar enough needs and wants so the surplus of our selfish acts gets spread around for the benefit of all most times. Lucky too, that we remember bad things done to us and who caused them, for if I know that if what I do will cause you ill and you’ll remember that and cause me ill if you get the chance,  I will weigh that ill-ness into my calculations of what is the best thing for me to do next.

You don’t care what i think or how I feel. As I’m an egotist, I can only assume that we all are. Then you, as egotist, do care about how I act, but only how it effects you. My thanking you for your “gift” of your [selfishly generated] surpluses and the  reciprocal altruism mentioned above are both acts of mine that effect you.

So how could me posting a new drawing lower your opinion of me — and cause me to be embarrassed, if I knew you opinion of me was lowered — if that drawing is of no consequence to you?   A new drawing added to the group could not change your opinion of them or me, if you don’t see them. So why should I get embarrassed? 

And I’ve no evidence that you are looking at them. I feel that you can be indifferent to them and me:on two levels The first is that you are an egoist, you don’t care (value) them or me; the second is that you, an egotist, don’t notice (acknowledge) them or me. But there’s a third level where I’m indifferent to you. It’s a weak solipsism that says “you, the-creature-who-reads-this-blog does not exist.”